Gone Secular, eHarmony.com
My wife and I met on eHarmony.com and up to now we both spoke very well of the site and it service. Since I am married I have not been back to the web site or kept up with the latest news regarding eHarmony. (For about a year after we were married, my wife and I would make comments to each other whenever we see one of their ad.) I knew they were trying to market more to the secular culture but I was completely blown away by an article by the folks over at Boundless Line on how they have left their Christian roots and became a fully secular dating site. Here is a snippet on “Navigating One Night Stand”. (The original article has been removed from their site, but here is the Google cache.)
While most of us are looking for that special someone to spend our lives with, the single life dictates that sometimes the opportunity for companionship presents itself in the form of a one-night stand. While a one-time roll in the hay isn’t exactly emotionally fulfilling, sex in any form can be relaxing, enjoyable, and fun.
…
It’s true you can’t spot an axe murderer just by talking to him, but it’s a good sign if you are comfortable with someone in the light before deciding to dance in the dark. Keep a cell phone with you, and if you can, tell your friends where you will be and your date’s name. Odds are that these proactive measures won’t be needed, but better protected than penitent.
Further, always use protection. Without the risk of sounding like a high school health teacher, protect yourself from STDs and pregnancy every single time to avoid lingering consequences.
Lets, for a second, forget about the hedonistic attitude in the article but isn’t eHarmony.com about finding long lasting relationship through their 29 dimensions??? I didn’t know enjoying “one-time roll in the hay” is a dimension for long lasting healthy relationship.
I do like the advice about letting your friends know where you are for safety reasons. So just in case you are having a one-night stand with an ax-murder, they will know where to find your body.
I browsed around the site and found a bunch of very self-centered relationship advice. For instance, here an article for those who may want to change their mind and not to wait until after marriage to have sex
Along the journey to happily ever after, you may discover that you change your mind about sex before marriage. You may meet and fall in love with someone amazing, develop a level of intimacy that challenges your previous convictions, and eventually causes you to rethink your position on the subject. If that’s the case, only you can know if and when the time is right to become intimate with your partner.
Here is some advice on what to do in case you stay the night at your date’s house and don’t have your stuff with you.
When you find yourself wearing his T-shirts and sometimes even using his toothbrush (ew), it’s tempting to ask him if you can stash some stuff at his house. However, there’s always a chance that this will come off as if you are moving too fast–as if you want to move in after knowing each other only a few weeks. Instead of appearing to be needy and high-maintenance, you tap into your inner Girl Scout.
So, have sex with your date fine as long as you don’t ask for a toothbrush, because that is moving too fast.
What happened to eHarmony? I can understand the need to expand your market share but I believe that it is possible to do so without shrinking your soul. I am not saying that they have to put Bible verses on every web page but they could have been a dating site that show the culture that God’s way of dating is better than that of secular culture, how it is less destructive in the short term and better in the long run.
But I guess making lots of money is more important.
[...] and Boundless magazine after it published a nonjudgmental article about one-night stands which emphasized safety tips to avoid getting [...]
I agree that EHarmony should explain why fornication is harmful to lasting happiness, and their articles should be written accordingly, or at least with links to articles that explain exactly why this is true.
I’m a Bible-believing Christian who thinks sex is for marriage. BUT - I don’t see anything wrong with EHarmony providing advice such as this, if done with the right tone. Any Christian should know that people - including Christians - sin. People, including some Christians, have one night stands. I don’t think it is right, but it DOES happen.
What is wrong with giving advice about how to handle the situation? Would it be better if someone tried to make the ONS into a relationship, and repeated the sin several times?
This would be like a newlywed going to their doctor and saying “My spouse gave me an STD. Can you treat it?” and the doctor responding with “Your spouse shouldn’t have an STD!!!” Well, you’re right. IF the spouse had been sexually pure AND also had never been raped, there would be no chance of the spouse having an STD. But what’s done is done, and people need advice to deal with real situations.
But EHarmony should be very careful about the tone and should, like I wrote, give links to round out the information about how to avoid falling into a ONS in the first place.
Hello Ken,
Thanks for stopping by and commenting.
If you look at the Google cache link in my post, the article is not saying that as Christians we slip and sin, but rather it is fine to have one night stand because “sex can be fun and relaxing.” This is fine if they come clean and say they are a secular dating service but as is, they continue to market themselves as to Christians as a faith-based dating service. This is where I have problem with the service.
Denny
According to the bible, “God’s Way of Dating” can and does include getting your recently widowed father drunk and doing him in a cave while your sister waits outside for her turn. eHarmony was most likely covering its virtual backside in suggesting safety precations for those who decide to use it as a Hook-Up website. Anyone idiotic enough to use eHarmony for a quicky (lets face it, there are much cheaper and more effective websites out there for that purpose) may deserve being hacked to bits by an easily offended religous fundamentalist, but that doesn’t mean eHarmony shouldn’t give some safety advice to its users.
Hello Ethan,
The Bible is filled with people who did not live up to God’s expectation and law. Look at Genesis 38 where Judah slept with Tamar, his daughter-in-law. It is not a pretty episode. But the Bible never condones the sin people did; nowhere did the God say, “Look at Judah, go and do likewise.” The Scripture shows us the wrong and the right way to live.
As for the safety advice from this article. I am sure if someone wants to sue eHarmony for matching them with an ax murderer, that article will not shield them from any liabilities.
Denny
But what about eHarmony’s moral obligation to try to keep their users (even the sinful ones) from being dismembered by a chainsaw-welding psycho?
I mean, if Jesus ran a dating site, what would he do?
As for your quoting the Judah/Tamar story in response to my statement about Lot’s daughters, the bible reports the cave-sex story and does not condemn the daughters for boffing their inebriated father. All that is mentioned regarding that incestuous encounter was: The older daughter had a son, and she named him Moab; he is the father of the Moabites of today. The younger daughter also had a son, and she named him Ben-Ammi; he is the father of the Ammonites of today.
No, “And they felt very bad about what they had done” or “And their children had webbed feet” not even a good smiting from the hand of the Lord (although perhaps he was a bit tired post S&G smiting?)
Also, what the heck is cool about a dad offering up his virgin daughters to sex-crazed hordes in order to save some heavenly messengers? Had I been one of the angels I’d have slapped him upside the head for that one!
Hello Ethan,
Regarding the discussion on OT, sex and what God allow and not allow, I think I will do a post on the subject later in the week or next week. You raise up some good points and I don’t think I can answer them properly in the comment section. You obviously know the Bible pretty well. Were you going to church at one point or is still attending somewhere? Just curious.
As for eHarmony’s moral obligation, again, I don’t think an article saying “be careful” get them off the hook. Moreover, if eHarmony really wants to keep people safe, then they should write an article saying one night stand is emotionally painful at best and physically dangerous at worst, so think twice or three times. That would fulfill their obligation more than what they published on their site.
Denny
Yikes! I had no idea that one-night-stands were so shattering to my personhood! This worries me due to the fact that I’ve had quite a number of them and have not noticed any psychic or spritual erosion. Of course, those inside the house built on the pile of sand usually are the last to notice… No, wait, if I lived in a house built on a pile of sand, I would be checking the foundations every morning and evening for any signs of slippage.
Now, that is not to say that the one-night-stand couldn’t be emotionally or spiritually damaging, but I think it really depends upon your value system, doesn’t it? It also depends upon what your reasons for having those one-night-stands was. If you are trying to fix your problems through the application of anything (sex, ice cream, daytime tv, the bible, rubber duckies) without first coming to grips and understanding the actual source of the problem… Well, the outcome will not be good.
Back to the topic: eHarmony wants to make money.
Bottom line: Not too surprising that they went all Cosmo-Girl.
I’ve had a number of years of religous… something… Instruction? Indoctrination?
I was one of the lucky ones though. I didn’t buy into it from an early age. If I had, there is a good chance that I would be dead right now. And then where would I be? Not in the arms of a loving God. My parent’s religion talked the talk but did not walk the walk on the whole “Loving God” concept. If I had been cursed with faith in their belief system, I would have consigned myself to eternal damnation regardless of the path I chose.
Catch 22s stink… Especially the eternal ones!
Hello Ethan,
Just finished responding to your other post. You are keeping me busy; but I do enjoy the challenge.
First of all, sorry to hear about your experience. I know a lot of people that have similar stories.
Second, I noticed down below that you list sex with ice cream and tv. Sex is meant to be much more than just something to pass the time. It is the most intimate act between a man and a woman. That to me is the damage you are referring to. Putting the Christian worldview aside, there are several studies published looking at the attitude of college age people toward hook-up culture, and it is negative instead of being neutral or positive. (Check out this post. It is not exactly the same subject but makes some great points, especially the part about consuming women.)
Finally, I do not mean any disrespect, but your self assessment of how you are doing may not necessarily be valid. I work with some teens and many young adults in my church and some would tell me there is nothing wrong with their life; but they say so only because they don’t know any different. So having a dysfunctional family may seem normal to them when it is really not.
Denny
True, but your assesment of other people could be equally as flawed. If you are a fish and you look out of the pond at the birds in the sky, you might be tempted to freak out and pull them under water “FOR THEIR OWN GOOD.” Of course, when the bird drowns, that is sad, but hey, you were just trying to help, right?
Please repost, the post about college and hook-up culture. I was not able to find the link in your comment above. Just based on your description of the above, I have a slight problem with the study from the get-go in that I have yet to meet a truely well-adjusted college age person.
In the sex/ice cream list above, you seemed to miss my actual point: If you try to fix your problems with a bandaid, you cant be too upset when the bandaid falls off and you end up worse then you started…
Off to starbucks… To be continued…
As far as sex being the most intimate act between a man and a woman, well I guess I dont have to worry about that, as I have never had sex with a woman. Plus, I dont think that sex automatically means intimacy. Love brings intimacy. Sex is often confused with love, since, let’s just face it, its a fun thing to do with those you love, but its not the same thing.
But I will concede that my self-assesment may not be valid (though many have commented upon how level-headed and well-adjusted I am…
but the sword cuts both ways and there is a good chance that your self-assessments may not be spot on. Not that I would ever accuse you of being as nutty as an elephant in a Jiffy Factory.
It’s a fun metaphor, though.
Believe me, my wife will tell you that I am crazy.
I will do something else in greater details on sex and relationship later. It is a huge topic and I don’t want to just cramp it into the comment space.
Denny
Eharmony recanted this article on ONS’s explaining it as a mistake that shouldn’t have gotten through. This is why they took the article off of their website.
There are always going to be kooks who slip through the system, however, I have known of people who were rejected by Eharmony because their answers to the many questions just didn’t cut the mustard. They weren’t fit for a relationship at this time, so Eharmony didn’t let them in to taint the dating pool.
In order for an axe-murderer to get into the system, they either have to know how to fit into society’s box of acceptable behavior, or have the password to the website!